


what am i?

by thecarsflynaway



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Comfort, Gender Identity, Identity Issues, Light Angst, Non-Binary Yuri Plisetsky, Yuuri is woke, this is a bit confusing to be honest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26850433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecarsflynaway/pseuds/thecarsflynaway
Summary: this has been sitting in my google docs for so long now, and i figured it was time to let it out. the he/him pronouns i used in this were intended (as opposed to they/them which is the neutral option, seeing as how yuri is discovering this new aspect of their gender identity).quick disclaimer: i’ve been struggling to figure out my gender identity for years, but i can’t help thinking that what i had written so long ago was inaccurate. so, if it is inaccurate, i’m sorry. this is what i’ve experienced, and looking back, i was heavily projecting myself onto this yuri i’d constructed in my mind. my experience feels bizarre, but i think, rationally, it can’t be so different from others’.anyway, please enjoy, and if there’s anything you want me to tag, just let me know.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri & Yuri Plisetsky
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	what am i?

**Author's Note:**

> this has been sitting in my google docs for so long now, and i figured it was time to let it out. the he/him pronouns i used in this were intended (as opposed to they/them which is the neutral option, seeing as how yuri is discovering this new aspect of their gender identity). 
> 
> quick disclaimer: i’ve been struggling to figure out my gender identity for years, but i can’t help thinking that what i had written so long ago was inaccurate. so, if it is inaccurate, i’m sorry. this is what i’ve experienced, and looking back, i was heavily projecting myself onto this yuri i’d constructed in my mind. my experience feels bizarre, but i think, rationally, it can’t be so different from others’. 
> 
> anyway, please enjoy, and if there’s anything you want me to tag, just let me know.

This  _ sucked _ , this sucked a lot. No matter how many times Yuri told himself that he was a male, it just never stuck in his mind. In different moods and situations, he wanted to call himself female, but that never felt quite right either. Most of the time, gender identity or things of the sort never really crossed his mind, with skating and all his other responsibilities. But he had moments where he’d look in the mirror and not quite know what to call himself. Male or female; he didn't really know. Maybe he never really would. 

When people used male pronouns, he became uncomfortable and always had bouts of sudden identity crisis. He didn’t like being called a male, but he was one, so what was the deal with that? But, on the other side of the street, the thought of calling himself female was also uncomfortable and not right. 

Currently he was questioning the very thing that was so damn confusing for him, staring in the locker room mirror after winning gold at the Grand Prix Final. The gold medal around his neck. And even though he should be proud and happy, he wasn’t. Not really. Not when he had no idea the answer to his question. The question being:  _ what am I?  _

He hadn’t realized that he’d said it out loud until a reply came from the doorway. “What kind of question is that?” It was Yuuri, and he walked up to the other Yuri with a small smile on his face. 

“A question I can’t fucking answer,” Yuri said shortly, huffing in frustration and frowning. Yuuri’s brow quirked up in an inquisitive way, and Yuri had no idea what he could even say to answer Yuuri’s silent inquiry. 

“I’m not sure I understand why you would ask that question in the first place, Yura,” he said slowly, eyeing Yuri cautiously in the mirror. “I would say that you’re a human, unless of course you’re hiding something.” The man had said it in a joking way, but Yuri didn’t find it funny. In a sense, he  _ was  _ hiding something: his extreme discomfort at being given gender-identifying pronouns. Namely  _ he _ , but there were a few instances on social media where  _ she  _ was used, that being equally as uncomfortable as its opposite. Even more damaging things he’d been called were,  _ thing  _ or  _ it _ (he’d always been a bit androgynous, sure, but calling him such things were beyond confusing). 

“No, it’s not like that. It’s...ugh...it’s-,” Yuri paused, “I don’t know what to call myself, like...my gender…” Yuri tensed up after he’d stated the fact that had been under his skin for about a year. He had no idea how Yuuri would respond, and he couldn’t help but think that he’d be called something derogatory. Of course, that was irrational, but it was a fear that Yuri had. 

“Oh? So you don’t know what your gender is?” Yuuri asked, making eye contact with the eighteen year old in the mirror. Yuri averted his eyes. 

“Well obviously I’m a dude, Katsudon,” Yuri deadpanned. “But I don’t want to...be called that.” Yuri cringed, he felt like he hadn’t explained that correctly. 

“You know, Yura, sex and gender are two entirely different things. You might physically be a male, but mentally, maybe you aren’t,” Yuuri said softly, leaving the statement open to differences of opinion. 

“Then what am I? Mentally, I mean.” 

“I can’t decide that for you, Yura.” 

“Katsudon, I can’t decide either. That’s the damn problem!” Yuri didn’t mean to yell, but it just came out that way. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, feeling the telltale sting of oncoming tears. He tried to fight them, but they fell, and he choked back a sob. “This is so difficult! Ugh!” 

Yuuri gasped and wrapped Yuri in a hug, rubbing his back and whispering soothing words into his ear. Yuri was led over to the bench just behind them, Yuuri helping him sit down and letting him lean on his shoulder. He cried for a long while, and Yuuri just sat there and held him until his breathing steadied and his tears no longer fell. 

“Yura?” 

“Hmm?” 

“What about  _ they _ ?”

Yuri liked _they._

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you, feedback/comments are appreciated <3


End file.
